Life, Part II

And so the first phase of life has ended, though a bit earlier than it used to in the Vedic times at the first quarter of life considered to be 25 years, I've had my fair share of schooling and learning, and finally I'm out in the market, to find my worth. That’s the typical way a boy's life would progress, and then there's this other way, where-in comes along a girl (NOT BROUGHT ALONGY BY THE BOY'S FOLKS), and a lot of things though appearing the same, change from their very foundations. I never thought it'd happen to me, but that’s where my Phase II started!

I decided to fall in love once. Yeah, you read that right, "decided to fall in love", and not the typical "fell in love". I wasn't any good at expressing emotions or receiving them as they should be, so it was a conscious effort for me to fall in love, rather than simply falling in love, naturally, in the spark of  a moment. And though that experiment did pull on for some time, it finally ended. And having drawn my conclusions, I decided one trial run was enough for my "falling in love experiment", and decided there don't have to be anymore, and my good old life continued. But not for too long. The good old life was very short lived, and things were about to get really interesting, bordering on ethereal actually.

One fine night, amidst pleasant cold and light wind, a really cute girl, came and kissed me on a deserted stage. And boy the world started spinning faster, as if someone had put the earth on some sort of Turbo mode, to bring by more and more times of fun and happiness, I hadn't seen before, more and more frequently. That’s the moment Phase II kicked in, when I "fell in love". Effortlessly. In my own way, I was head over heals into that cute girl, and I knew it very well, but somehow couldn't accept it immediately.

Well, time plays its role, and the realization soon dawned, that boy you've lost your footing already, resistance is futile, and all you can do is give into that powerful gust, and be blown away by it, to places far and  wide, which you had only dreamt of, and see how the world looks like, through the magical window called "Love".

Its been long since then. And it is now that I truly realize what a treasure came by my way, in that lovely face, that warm and caring heart, and that strong and noble will of hers. In her never yielding faith, and belief in me, in her strength to stand by even when I'm at my worst, and that tiny but strongly shining light within her heart that held on to the hope that I will relive again. That I shall enjoy the company of another, more than my own. That I shall let my self be cared for by another. That I shall one day imagine a future where-in I would like to do those fun things with another, with her…

I see my words have decreased, but somehow, each and every single word carries a thousand times greater weight now. One word means much more these days than my entire paragraphs used to. Even punctuations say so much these days and the story keeps unfolding towards pleasant surprises.

Image Courtsey: www.pinterest.com / www.lifehack.org

Revelation...

Gradually as this day passed, and morning turned to noon, something tickled in my mind, a fragment from a past conversation, that most probably happened sometime over the past week, "…after a certain time, there comes a limit when money doesn't matter, and what matters more is your convenience."

And this noon, I saw this beautiful post, by someone, talking on the lines of doing what you love, and not  what you think is appropriate and acceptable on the lines of practicality or otherwise, and that article presented an extremely irrefutable logic, that, if you don't love what you do, how are you going to compete with people who do love what they are doing. And I thought about what I had to be, and it wasn't hard, A Dog fellow. The only thing I can do without stopping, without caring for a brake, without feeling tired, is to be with Dogs, and amid trees and plants, and I wouldn't mind my four legged furry kids digging a couple or more of my plants, I can always get new ones, but the sheer pleasure of watching my kiddos jumping around, romping, digging, and doing what ever they wish to, with that liveliness, and enthusiasm, and the ability to remain in the present, all of which, so proudly and courageously and in the loudest and clearest of voices speak "I'm ALIVE AND I LOVE IT"! And me, well, that’s what makes me feel alive, being with those bearing the brightest torches of life.

I've been a rebel. A guerrilla in my own sense. Never up-right, on the face, against the enemy, but silent, reclusive, nonetheless a rebel. I don't respect rules of the society. The ones where they say what is acceptable and what is not. Never actually needed to exercise  my own thought in any such scenario, but yes, in the academic institutes, they do have a set of twisted illogical codes that stand no ground when weighed on the scale or reason, or even morality. They are there to enforce the will of some person, I don't know who, who might very well have been correct when he framed those rules, keeping in mind the functionality of the institution and the best interest of those associated with it, but what was right then, isn't necessarily right now, at-least in the scenario we are talking about. And in majority of the things, improvement is a constant, never ending process, which if missed, might result into further damage, that might have been avoided had a tiny tweak been incorporated at the right time.

And when you are at the bottom of the food chain, and you know there's enough grass for all those sitting up above your head,  and that it can very well keep them as healthy, and you want to change, there's not much you can do after-all, in-spite of all your willingness and logic. Being at the bottom of the food chain, what you can do is to preserve yourself. Preserve yourself until you're strong enough to step out of the shelter. And then, well, once you are as strong as the apex, you can do what ever you want, without the fear. Extracting revenge isn't the preferable option, but yes, thenceforth you can graze freely, in the sunshine! Until then, lie low, survive, don't let the external factors get you, more than everything, preserve your beautiful heart, your soul.

Listen to everything, do what your heart says. Be at peace with yourself. What you were is of least concern, because that’s just who you were, not who you are, what maters is who YOU ARE! Wear the hard times, because the good ones are just around the corner. Live your dream, every moment, don't wait for the perfect one, in your shelter, be yourself.

Image Courtsey: heartmama.net

After a Long Time...

It's really been a really long time since I last wrote. Partly because I was into a hibernation mode, no activity from the heart, no emotions peaking the positive or the negative, which are my stimulants.

A series of events, almost drove me to death. Emotional death actually. And its not the events but I who is to be held responsible, because I reacted in the wrong manner, I disregarded the 90% authority I had just because of the 10% that did not go exactly the way I wanted it to.

As time passed, I realized, once again, that there's nothing such as "bad luck" as this guy puts it whose seminar video I watched a couple of days ago. There is something which is beyond your control, yes, but it never means you harm. It means you well. I was super pissed off the day my awesome site which I was counting on and looking forward to attending for the coming 4 and a half months back in January, was rejected by my superiors. I was pissed, scared, and utterly dejected. Everyone had sites, I had none, and I had to give up a site I so very much wished to attend. This was the least potent in a series of circumstances that arose starting maybe August last year, but the final blow that slew my emotions completely. I was already weak, it finished me off.

But as they say, (and as we all know)ends are usually where new stories begin from. And so it has happened. After a stretch of blank pages, I'm writing again. Alas! The phoenix emerges from the ashes.

I had my peak today morning after so long. And as it goes, revival is also not sudden. First something moves within, and you dismiss it for nothing, then something stirs really well to be ignored and you notice something is happening, but still its not strong enough to manifest itself in full form. With time, many circumstances arise such that they feed the thing within, more and more, and one fine day LO! It manifests. And suddenly, you reflect back on all of the event that led to where you stand at that moment. And emotions surge past your calculating bran, and flood your heart that had gone dry and barren since so long. You breathe again. And it finally is visible in your eyes, in your smile, in the way you walk, the way you talk, in everything you do.

The same conditions that I cursed back in January led me to where I am today. I was exposed to things I had longed for since so long, and was more than glad to be an audience to. Knowledge I had been longing for so long, finally I know a path that leads there.

I can never put into words how grateful I am to my boy for looking over me. How much I miss him and how much I wish him peace and bliss of the highest degree. I came across this really nice snap, of a little kid and a pup, with the most suitable caption it could ever get, and that was it. My boy came running back to my heart, told me its ok to let go, its ok to pour out, and he has my back forever. I know he knows he has my heart likewise. I cried out. Not all I wanted to. I wish I had, to my heart's content, but I did lighten up. There's so much I want to say, express, but I honestly have no words for it. I know he knows how I feel nonetheless. Words can't do justice to what hearts speak.

I had a sense of renewal, of having been re-created.

Image: Phoenix Rising by Silver Ashes at deviantart.net

From the Heart

You know someone's speaking from the heart if what that person says, reaches yours effortlessly...

                                              -Amit Dubey

Image: HeartHeart to Heart card; www. zazzle.com

Back to the Past

The Arrival

10th July 2012

It was 10years ago that I last crossed the threshold I crossed about half an our ago. The home where my grandpa lives, my native, my ancestral house, in a way. As a matter of fact it was a decade ago that I had visited this city last. And by my perception of the city, the little I had on my way back from the railway station and some while the train was entering the city, I could see, quiet a lot has changed. At-least private business sector has been doing good it seems. New shops, and hospitals by the bulk, and the old ones having had a complete make-over to keep pace with the changing scenario. On a certain level, the city looks changed, but the moment you turn your attention to the people, that make up the city, one is compelled to think, maybe, nothing has actually. There is still no traffic sense, even on the main roads. Cars still flaunt the flags of political parties or unions instead of a Vehicle registration number plate. And the most vivid indicator, the government hasn't moved on a reasonable pace. The drains are still open as they were, roads are still the same width as they were, and people still encroach upon public property, and declare it their own as they used to.

My home. Unchanged. Not a single feature, not even a brick has moved, or been replaced. The same old steel angle framed, corrugated GI sheeted gate, the same old garage, the grape wine has disappeared though, but the crotans are still the same, only larger. The cooler body, a mass of rusting iron sheet, has been there on the porch since over a decade, and so has the sofa. The steel mesh, on the external entrance door, which once used to prevent insects invading the house while allowing fresh air in, now permits an entire human through, without resistance. It has evidently lived its life. The living room hasn't changed in the slightest, except the television. The feel of the room remains the same. Exploring the rest of the house, gave a similar impression, nothing has changed, just the deterioration that is inevitable with time. The marks of time are evident in each and every corner, each and every wall, and feature of the old house. Roots of plants have penetrated from terrace to the lower floor and are developing further in the undisturbed settings. Exploring, I climb up the stairs, to the terrace, and I notice a stark difference, the house seemed smaller. Why? Maybe because, I had grown up, become larger, or because I had just grown accustomed to seeing larger, or maybe the surroundings had outgrown my house. I'm not sure which is the real reason, but the feeling remains. Coming back down, I am greeted by my distant cousins who were evidently sleeping while I entered the house, and had a good tour of it. No surprise some thieves had also noticed the booty, but didn't find anything worth though, also thanks to the sleeping cousin.

And the rest of the day passed in a mundane existence. Nothing to do, just lying about here and there, escorted by the ever so faithful mosquitoes. In the evening, my aunt called up my Grandpa, and they had a talk, apparently after long. And then after came the guy who gives my grandpa massage, and while that was going on, in some stupid un-for-seen way the topic of the marriage of those of our generation came up, and even more stupidly it came to me! I was like, "Damn the starts! Didn't thy have any other topic to talk about". By luckily it didn't last much. And I was superbly relieved to know it had ended.

Day 1

11th July 2012

The night passed completing the novel I had started when I was half way through my journey. Obviously the mosquitoes never let me feel lonely.  I didn’t feel tired in the slightest until I was done with novel. And then, suddenly, it gushed from all the directions, fatigue, and I fell asleep. The only hindrance then, was the electricity not wanting to serve me, mosquitoes not wanting to let me feel lonely, and the un-comfortable temperature. Perfect recipe for "not being able to sleep in spite of being almost dead due to fatigue". That gave me a lot of time to reflect on the other things that I had missed. My old man, he was completely the same. Considering the prosperity he's been bestowed with, the way he lives is still the same, no change in the slightest. There was a time when he was healthier, at that time, the inconveniences he's surrounded himself with seemed tolerable, but now, they most certainly don't. When I come to think of it, such vast sums of money, and still, living like a below lower middle class is just being miser, and for what? I agree to not showing off, but there's a minimum required level of services and utilities that one needs in order to live gracefully and modestly. That would include, a good water supply system, a modest amount of manageable furniture, a decent kitchen, with a refrigerator, and electricity supply, a means of avoiding insect and human infestation of the property, at-least the building that you reside in. Unfortunately none of this is available in our house. And now considering the occupant being a lone elderly person of 90, this is highly unsettling. I'm going to design a new house for this plot. Much smaller compared to this one, but more manageable and secure.

With the thoughts flowing, the time too passed like anything. And when electricity did come back, it was time to wake up. And well, I was up for a new surprise which came like after an hour since I woke up.  I was quietly lost in my computer, when my cousin yelled, "There's a snake in the kitchen". Day 2, and this was some real surprise. And after some efforts we were able to scare it away and direct it a bit on its way out. I so very much wanted to catch it, but didn't have the proper tools. So I let it go. And then after the lunch, a visit to the Juvenile Court with my Grandpa, for a case that’s been going on since the past 14 years! I was literally falling asleep in the advocate's cabin. Then after buying some groceries, we were back home.

The Veil

Let the veils remain,

Let the pilgrim wander in vain.

For the secrets of divine love,

In the peoples' hearts remain.

The wanderer walks among the veils,

His eyes have sight, but it all is vain.

For to see the divine, the Godly essence,

Eyes don't matter, the heart has to be unchained.

And yet he walks, impaired at sight,

Among the veils, in the darkest of nights,

For within, he heard, a little voice,

He saw it glow, he saw it arise.

And as his heart, communed with the divine,

It delivered a message, so clear and refined,

Veils here and veils there,

Along the path, veils everywhere,

Be not deterred, oh pilgrim of love,

Beyond the veils, its heaven there…

-Amit Dubey

Image courtesy:  Karen Hutton on goolge plus/ www.KarenHutton.com

A wish comes true... :)

Yesterday I was made an admin to a page called "We are here to inspire" on a very popular social networking site, facebook. Its really a very sweet and warm page, ACTUALLY inspiring. Has posts to cheer-up people those who read them. I was a huge fan of the page myself, loved it like hell, and LO! I'm one of the "admins" today!

I used to be grateful to those who used to post on that page, when a post made me smile, or made me feel better when I was down, or feeling low. And I used to think, "It's good when someone makes you smile. It'd be heavenly when you make people smile though. I want to make people smile, make them feel that they are loved and cared for, and joyful. I wan to do something like these people who post on this page! Who make me smile!"

And here I am, doing exactly the same thing, with exactly the same people! And yes, it really is heavenly. Its an "out of the world" feeling when someone says a small "Thank you" or "You made my day" or any little word which says that you made them smile, made them feel happy if only for a moment! :)

Hopefully I'll keep making people smile, just like the others! I enjoy it a lot! :)